THE OTHER WOMAN: Monster Or An Obsessed Misconception About Love?

It is with absolute certainty that most of us have come across those who would otherwise be known as “the other women.” These are the women who make the third in a relationship that belongs to two. These are the women who are alleged to have broken homes, brought tears and shame to many. Some of them claim to have done so unknowingly. Some are monsters that just do not care. Some love to make prey. They love attacking and watching their victims bleed to death. So even as the “Mpango wa kando” advert has garnered a lot of discussion on the morality state of our society, the main question really is “Is the other woman a monster, or is she an obsessed misconception about love.” What is it that makes another woman fall for a married man? What is it that makes a woman get into a relationship with a man who already has a family? There is certainly a new crop of women sprouting up in this country. They go for the men who already have families to take care of claiming that these men are responsible. If only they knew.

The truth is that no man ever totally leaves a family he worked so hard for. At some points in life they always crawl back to the one who loved them when they had nothing in their wallets. At some point the “mpango wa kando” simply over stays her welcome and assumes the exact meaning of her name. There are those who get obsessed enough to track out their so called enemies. There are those who get into fist fights, fighting for that which they did not even have in the very beginning. There are those who resort to suicide once they confirm that they were simply fresh faces to be used and dumped. There are those who claim to have fallen so helplessly in love and they would rather die than live without another woman's husband. Well, as much as not all women who agree to be mpango wa kando are not monsters, the vice is simply wrong. If you claim that you did not know about the man's wife or girlfriend in the beginning, then as soon as you find out, you should make your exit. You shouldn't stick around and try to extend your minutes of fame. You should love yourself enough to say no coming in as second best. I often wonder why women attack each other over a man who might end up leaving both of you. Why fight another woman when she wasn't the one in a relationship with you. Why do we let the men walk of so easily?

There are however other women who resort to behaving like monsters. I must say that in my life I have met two. Most of us do not really know what true love is. If you think that you need to steal another's man to be happy in life then you do not love yourself enough, you do not value yourself. If you think that mpango ya kando do not affect the other family as long as the man is still taking care of them then you have the biggest misconception about love. No child should ever have to scramble for the attention of his father simply because he is somewhere giving attention to his much younger girlfriend. No woman should ever have to suffer and listen to abuses hurled at her by the other woman. For sure no woman should ever have to raise a child that her husband got from infidelity. No matter what everybody thinks, being the other woman is a misconception about love. It eats at you no matter how much you pretend. It destroys families, it gnaws and chews the love that once was and turns into bile and hatred. It makes some children go without their fathers. It builds resentment. If you are the other woman and you still claim that you are in love, then you have surely never felt real love. Period.

Written by Maureen Songa

SETTLING FOR THE BEST

It’s about time us girls stopped settling. Settling because our ‘biological clocks’ say so. Settling because our friends and family ask us to. I know it is exasperating hearing the age old annoying question:  ‘Why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ or ‘Why are you still single’ or ‘No date tonight?’ Trust me I have heard all those questions and worse ones at that. But honestly how bad is it being single? It’s not like it’s a life threatening disease. You have all your mental faculties too. Stop whining. Get out there and give back to the world. If you have mad make up skills, get some dough from it. You make a mean recipe of something your mother passed down to you, get on with that griddle.  Tailor away if people love your vibrant cloth headbands.

It’s all about offering up to the world what you have. And in the midst of it all, in the thick of getting your hands dirty learning about yourself, you just might fall in love.  You may very well meet him. In fact I would rather dare say that you will no longer be single. Because happiness attracts happy people. Positivity in this case attracts positive people. And you won’t even realize that you were missing out. It will feel so natural, falling in love that is. And yes it can even be the more magical. Because you took away the desperation. You put away the insecure thoughts. You gave up the impatience.

Instead you slowly but surely grew confident, assured and full of hope. That everything happens in its own time.  You do not need to hurry anything. You have faith you will meet him. And won’t you be glad when you do, that you did not settle?  Ask me, I didn’t and I finally met him.

Written by Freddy Njeri

THE GIRL TOO CAN MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

There are a lot of dating advice columnists who will tell us that women should never approach men. They’ll tell you that it’s the man’s job to pursue the woman and when a woman tries to pursue a man, she comes across as desperate or loose.  Add those pieces of advice to the pile of all the other heap of crap men have been saying that doesn’t make much sense and let’s get real.

Have you ever seen a guy so gorgeous that he makes you melt?  A quick dream flashes through your head. You turn away and quietly walk the other way hoping he didn’t catch saliva dripping copiously from your mouth. And you ask yourself “Why couldn’t I just say something to him?” We all go through this at some point in our lives but it doesn’t have to be that way!

Women are told to take initiative, go out and get what they want, and not sit back and wait for a man to do everything, but the one thing we should never do is approach a man? It doesn’t make much sense at all. Being independent and not needing a guy is still the biggest attraction we have as well as our looks but I think it’s good that we get over our insecurities and try it a few times.

Make the first move; Guys love it when a girl is genial and approaches them, partly because then they wouldn’t have to do all the work. It shows him right off the bat that you’re interested and that takes a lot of the pressure off him. So make the first move! If you don't know how to make the first move then try to take interest in what he does such as if he likes basketball or maybe you could ask him about things he likes and talk to him, take interest in him and most likely he will take interest in you.

Be confident; If you appear confident to your guy, he will think you are confident; it’s that easy. Walk up to him like you own the ground you walk on. It will impress him knowing that you’re comfortable in your skin. Do a lively, cheerful, and self-confident walk, flip a wisp of hair out of your face and say hello to him. Be careful not to look like you have this; I-am-better-than-you-bow-down-at-my-feet arrogance.

Compliment him; What guy does not like being complimented? You could tell him he has great hair or how good he looks in the shirt he’s wearing. This may seem cliché, but for a guy, what’s going through his head is “Wow. Hot girl. Likes my hair. Thank you God for giving me this hair!” Be ready for possible reactions though-  a) he'll find it offensive, b) ignore you, c) get a little angry or d) faintly smile, slightly raise his shoulders and he may look away- this means he definitely likes you :).

Give him the look; “The Look” is a certain look that you have that says, “I want you to notice me.” This is your sexiest, most mysterious look that will only last a few seconds so as to leave him breathless and wanting more. A little warning though don't turn into a creepy stalker girl case and end up behind bars. So for everyone’s wellbeing, a few seconds will do!

Be alone when you approach your boy; When you approach your guy, it’s not with a clique of your friends behind you, this more often than not, will scare him away. Your guy will feel more at ease if it’s just one on one. This will also give you guys a chance to get to know each other without having any interruptions.

The effort; When you’re attempting to feed someone a piece of cake you have to let them know that you want them to have it, but you must require that they do the effort of coming to get it. Envision yourself as the cake, put yourself in a position in which he begins to crave you, but hold back just enough to make him do the work needed to have you.

Have a support group; Having a support group to help you deal with rejection is essential. You’re not going to succeed every time you approach a man. It takes a lot of attempts to find one that works. I think we tend to try something once, experience failure and then completely write it off as a bad idea going forward.  You’ll try and fail, try and fail; try and win a little, eventually fail, you'll have the support group to hold you down.

I hope you feel more empowered to approach men. Now go on Beautiful! Get over that fear of rejection, bite the bullet and just do it. Spark that conversation!

The Top Four Things That Make Relationships Work

Finding that relationship that will last forever can seem impossible if you have had your heart broken before. The truth is that many women know that it is possible to have an eternal kind of love- but how to find this love is not entirely a walk in the park.  So what are the main keys to a fulfilling, successful relationship? Here are some pointers:

1.      You think compatibility? No, it ain’t Half of It

First off, it is not enough that you are compatible with a guy. The problem with focusing on compatibility is that you tend to overlook other things that are very important to a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Did you know that you can be compatible with a complete jerk? Someone with whom you have great chemistry but who doesn’t treat you so special after the sex. Did you know that you could in fact be compatible with a commitment-phobe? The guy who wants to be with you now, do fun stuff, but he never wants to have the TALK. So compatibility is great and it plays a role in the success of your love life, but there is more to a fulfilling relationship than being compatible with a guy.

2.      He Must Be a Relationship Guy

To have success with any guy, he must first be a relationship kind of guy. A guy who is not committed to relationships with his family, workmates, business mates, or friends is not likely to be committed to a relationship with you. He does not understand the need or importance of relationships and so he lacks the basic soft skills needed to effectively relate with others and to you too. Do not lie to yourself and think that once he is with you, he will totally learn how to be relationship oriented.

3.      It Must be The Right Time

There is a season for everything. A season for love and a season for solitude. For you to find the ideal relationship partner, it must be the right time. This mostly has to do with astrology. If you find that, you are trying too hard, going out of your way to attract or find that perfect eternal love, maybe you should just stop. Just stop and allow time to have its way. Just go on with your life. When it is the perfect time, he will meet you and you will meet him. And you will have the knowing that he is the one.

4.      You Must be Right For Each Other

So it might be the right time, and he may be a relationship kind of guy. But, it is important that you be right for each other for your relationship to work out.  If he is the type of guy who wants to spend his energy and time climbing the ‘corporate ladder’ and you are the type of gal who wants to spend your time and energy in creative thought, in charity or in travel,  things may not work out as well as you may want them to. This doesn’t mean that you must have the same desires, interests, and hobbies. It means that your interests, desires, values and hobbies should not be too contrasting that neither of you can accommodate the other.

So there you are: Get clear on the life that you want and find a guy who can accommodate this kind of life. It will be helpful if he is relationship oriented. If you do not find him straight away, it could be that the timing is not right and you just have to hang in there until its right. 

Written by Donna Moses

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FUNKY AND FRUGAL LIVING: EATING HEALTHY AND CHEAP

Who said eating expensive was always best? Yes I know cheap in the long run does prove to be costly, but that is no reason not to try and cut down on your costs. Living out on your own, away from healthy home cooked meals done up by your mother, in this fast paced expensive life in Nairobi can really prove to be a challenge to girls trying to tame their budgets and their waists. But fear not oh wearisome travelling girl of the city. Below are a few pointers to help you keep and not take away from the hard earned shillings in your pocket all the while keeping you trim, prim and proper:

• Turn to the ‘value for money’ supermarkets: So what they may be up and coming chain stores that may not have those niche products you want (who needs cranberry juice anyway) but boy do they stock up on fresh baked goods, wholesome meals and straight out of the tap milk (Read goodbye Nakumatt, hello Naivas), all at very pocket friendly prices. Compare and contrast if you do not believe me.
• Embrace your local market: Somewhere around your neighborhood or its environs are those little open air stalls with fresh juicy organic greens. Way cheaper and better for you than store bought veggies and fruits.  Like the proverbial early bird, get out of bed in the morn hours; don your simplest jeans and t-shirt and head to that market for wide variety and wholesale prices for goods you can stock up in your fridge for the week.
• Pack up some lunch:  Invest in a simple lunch box. Just because you made up the contents of your lunch box does not mean they have to be boring. Add some nuts (home fried peanuts are the best) at the side of your egg, lettuce and tomato sandwich and top it off with raisins. Doesn’t that sound more wholesome than a sizeable greasy ‘kuku sama’ quarter and fries?
• The benefits of freezing: Stock up your own fridge. Buy one already if you don’t own a refrigerator. A good spacious affordable one ranges from Ksh.30-50,000. Save up and experience the benefits of raiding your mother’s kitchen for freezable goods when you visit, buying grains to boil, cooking up the stock able foods twice or thrice a week and filling up the fridge with ready lunches and dinners.
• Liquify :  I could wax lyrical about the difference that water makes to your life. It works wonders on your skin. It clears up the digestive system. And most importantly (well for me), it gives a bona fide energy boost.  I Burn calories pretty fast meaning I get tired rather quick, but with my trusty water bottle by my side, I could conquer the world. If plain water does not ring your bell, flavor it up with some lemon slices. Or even make your own homemade juice and smoothies. Bottom line is to avoid sodas and all manner of caffeinated drinks.

Written by Freddy Njeri

Top 10 "How to" Fashion Tips for Tall Women:

How to Wear Bold Jewelry, Leggings, Boots and More

Tall women have a whole different set of issues surrounding personal fashion and style than women of average height. To develop fashion-confidence follow these tips on choosing clothing, wearing trends and dressing your body type.

1. How to Dress with a Casual/Cool Style

Tall women everywhere can take fashion cues from Laura Prepon to develop a casual/cool style. By combining natural makeup with laid-back clothing and an attitude that says, "you know you want to be me," Laura gets the look right every time.

2. How to Choose Sexy Dresses

Every tall woman has to contend with her height and her body type when choosing a sexy dress. Learn how to maximize both factors with these simple tips.

3. How to Dress During Pregnancy

If you already felt like you were "bigger" than your peers, pregnancy certainly won't do anything to diminish that feeling. Instead of hiding behind swaths of clothing and oversized sweats during pregnancy, learn how to dress your tall figure in a way maximizes your pregnancy glow.

4. How to Lengthen Pants

Raise your hand if you've ever worn pants that are too short. Unfortunately, you're not alone. Every tall woman should learn how to lengthen the inseam of her pants to prevent the awkward "high water" look.

5. How to Wear Bold Jewelry

Bold jewelry choices look stunning on tall women. Learn how to choose jewelry that emphasizes your beauty without overpowering your look.

6. How to Buy Leggings and Skinny Jeans

Every tall woman should have at least one pair of skinny jeans or leggings in her closet. Learn how to choose the right pair of pants that will enable you to pull off the narrow-leg look with ease.

7. How to Buy the Right Boots

It can be hard for tall women to find the right pair of boots. Your extra length can make knee-high boots look like calf-high boots, and your constant struggle to find long pants can make ankle boots look awkward. Learn which boots are worth the investment, and which boots you should avoid.

8. How to Dress Sexy

Tall women can look glamorous and sexy without much effort. Learn how to sex it up by toning things down.

9. How to Measure Your Inseam

You'll never purchase the right-length pants if you don't know what your inseam is, and you'll never know what your inseam is if you don't learn how to measure it. It'll only take five minutes to get an accurate measurement, so: Read. Learn. Do. You can thank me later.

10. How to Wear High Heels at Work

High heels can be tricky for a tall woman to pull off. It's not that they don't look fantastic - because they do - it has more to do with the fear of towering over other people, or over sexing an outfit. Learn how to wear heels to the office in a way that is both appropriate and confidence-boosting.

There you go simple tips that would insulate your lovely height.

Written by Dorothy Osoro

Body of Hair Tips for Type Four Hair

There are four different hair types, most African hair types being type four.

TYPE FOUR, RAIN PROOF HAIR.

 We appreciate the versatility of our hair but sometimes we limit our styles to what we are familiar with just because we aren’t sure how to maintain and manage other hair types. With the increasing popularity of hair extensions, we have the opportunity to try out different hair types or textures to determine what suits us not only in terms of styles but also the ease of maintenance.  I hope this series of posts allows you not only to be bold and experiment more with different hair types, but also to discover how to care for your own hair (grown or bought) but also find what suits you.

               

               

There are four hair types or categories of Hair. Type 1, 2, 3 and 4 hair. 2, 3 and 4 have sub classes of A,B and C depending on the tightness of the curls. We shall start with a type closest to home which is type 4 hair as going natural tends to be a recent and popular  trend.

Type 4 hair is described as kinky/course hair with a definition of curls. It is very tightly coiled and fragile which means it breaks easily. It has tendency to be dry as sebum from your scalp does not reach the tips of your hair because it cannot work its way to the ends due to the extreme coils. Type 4 hair is also well known to shrink up to about 75% of the actual hair length. There are three types of Type 4 subtypes: 4A, 4B and 4C.

4A                                              4B                                                        4C

              

                                                                                                                                             

As you move from A to C the hair gets courser and kinkier. The courser the hair, the more likely for the hair to be dry and brittle.

 For my sisters who have decided to go natural or are contemplating the big chop, it is important to note that natural hair doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easier to maintain. It requires a lot of work to keep it moisturized, healthy and growing too. Once you develop a routine, you’re good to go. Once you know your hair, it’s easy to love it. Let’s look at little suggestions and tips that hopefully help you figure this hair thing out.

The first thing to throw out the window is trying to take care of kinky hair like you do straight hair. It’s just different hair. Once you let that go and allow yourself the time to discover your hair, you are on the right track.

Do not comb your hair when it’s dry.

Since the hair type is brittle, it’s more likely to break away when the hair has no moisture. Combing it while dry also transforms your defined curls into a huge fuzz ball.

Do not separate your hair with your hands as a means to detangle or get knots out

Curls naturally tangle and that’s their nature. It is advised to part hair only after combing when wet or detangling your curls otherwise you encourage breakage and loss of hair. Always start from the tips working your way up to the roots.

The less the breakage and damage, the more the growth   

It is simple, gentleness when handling your fragile hair goes a long way.

Patience

Kinky hair requires time and effort unlike straight hair. Take time to detangle your hair as it will tangle and do not rip your hair off your scalp in the name of combing. Work in small sections. The moment it hurts, that is hair lost.

Friction is not your friend Friction causes your hair to tangle, cover your hair in a satin wrap or use satin pillow cases to avoid this. Uncovered hair gets caught in fabric as you sleep and this causes breakage and hair fall.

Use correct tools

We all know the combs that will hurt if we attempted to glide through our natural hair. The wider the better as you begin to detangle prior to a wash and after a wash. To stretch or straighten your hair even when using heat, work your way to smaller spaced combs and brushes.

 

 1st Step detangle                             2nd Step detangle                                 Final curl defining brush  
 

Live off Conditioner and Moisture

The drier your kink is, the more the breakage. Formulate a moisture regime for your hair with either a leave in conditioner or natural oil or both. Moisture prevents breakage and allows for fewer tangles. Try and stay away from products with sulphate as they tend to dry the hair. Co-washing rather than a shampoo will do your hair good as it promotes moisture retention. Detangling is best done when hair is saturated with oil and moisture. If tangles are really bad, steaming hair with a hot oil or/and conditioner prior to the detangling task can save you hair fall.

The products that I would recommend and that I currently use on my kinky curl mane are the new life curls defining shampoo and conditioner. The shampoo has some sulphate so I would only recommend one wash a month and a fortnightly Co-wash (wash with conditioner). For daily moisture I recommend the very affordable soft and free curl moisturizing spray. It is light weight but oil based so it keeps the hair moist all day. I would use it prior to a set or twist out when hair is damp to ensure that moisture is retained when hair finally dries. All products available at Super Duper cosmetics at the Green House on Ngong road

Heat protection is important

When styling your type 4 hair, always use some heat protection prior to applying heat. Ideally, the less the heat you use the better. Always detangle before using heat and start heat application from damp and not dry or wet hair.

I hope sharing my tips has helped you figure your way about the kinks and knots of type4 hair. I am not a hair stylist but a hair enthusiast, the best way to learn is through experience. I love kinky hair; I would recommend the texture as a look for the rainy season because like I said, moisture is good for the hair and if you happen to get rained on, smile its all moisture. It is a fun playful and natural look when worn healthy. Besides the fortnightly routine it does not require everyday care apart from moisturizing.  If you are looking for protective styles and want to try kinky curl extensions or wigs. You can find genuine human hair products at www.bodyofhair.com

                                                      Written by Nempiris Lesiit

Salmon and Pineapple Lettuce Wraps

There is a wonderful world of lettuce wraps I recently discovered. Around this season fish appears in stores and restaurants more, so I absolutely had to try this salmon and pineapple lettuce wrap recipe. This recipe uses sesame oil which like olive oil, is one of the healthy oils. If you don’t have sesame oil, you can heat a skillet and brown 8 teaspoons of sesame oil in 2/3 cups of regular oil. Blend in a food processor; let stand for up to 2 hours, then strain. This will produce the distinct taste of sesame oil. The flavors go together so well that you might want to try this even if you don’t particularly like fish. Bibb or butter lettuce is sometimes hard to find too so you could just use any type of lettuce.

Bibb or Butter lettuce has a slightly sweet, buttery flavor. It is low in Sodium, Saturated Fat, and Cholesterol. Bibb or Butter lettuce is also a good source of Thiamin, Riboflavin, Calcium, Magnesium and Phosphorus, and a great source of Dietary Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Vitamin B6, Folate, Iron, Potassium and Manganese.

To get a good lettuce cup, smash the lettuce on a table until it looks like a little cone. The leaves will separate from the stem. Cut the top off. Run some water into it to help peel away the leaves. These cups make a really good presentation that you will want to try putting whatever you cooked into it!  Lettuce wraps are also good for portion control.

Ingredients

1 cup uncooked brown rice

1 1/2 pounds raw salmon

8-12 butter or Bibb lettuce leaves

1 (8 ounces) package sugar snap peas, halved

1/2 of a medium size pineapple

1/4 cup honey

1/3 cup soy sauce

1/3 toasted sesame oil (or sesame oil)

1 tablespoon fresh ginger, grated

2 cloves garlic, grated

1 teaspoon wasabi powder (optional)

4 green onions, sliced, plus more for garnish

1 tablespoon sesame seeds

1/4 cup honey

1 teaspoon soy sauce

1 teaspoons toasted sesame oil

1 teaspoon sesame seeds

1/2 teaspoon wasabi powder (optional)

Method

Cook the rice. Make the dressing. In a small bowl or glass measuring cup combine the honey, soy sauce, toasted sesame oil, ginger, garlic and wasabi powder (if using). Whisk until the wasabi powder has dissolved and then add the green onions and sesame seeds. Place the salmon in a ziplock bag and add about 1/4 of this dressing. Reserve the remaining dressing. Place the salmon in the fridge for about 30 minutes.

Trim, core, and peel pineapple. Cut off the two ends and stand the pineapple on one end. With a chef’s knife, cut away the rind, curving your cuts between the rind and flesh. Proceed around the sides of the pineapple until all the rind is removed. Now cut through the pineapple, just to the side of the hard, inner core. Cut all the way down. Continue cutting around the core until you have several long wedges of pineapple. Cut the wedges into spears. Place half of the pineapple spears in a bowl and toss with 1 tablespoon of the dressing. Save the other half of the pineapple for eating!

Preheat your grill to high. (You can also use your stove or broiler) Make the Honey Glaze. In a small bowl whisk the honey, soy sauce, toasted sesame oil, sesame seeds and wasabi powder until the wasabi powder is dissolved. Set aside.

Fluff your rice and mix with 3-4 tablespoons of the remaining dressing and the sugar snap peas, keep warm while you grill the salmon and pineapple. When the grill is hot, place the pineapple on the grill and grill 6-8 minutes or until caramelized, flipping half way through cooking. Add the salmon, flesh side down, when you flip the pineapple. Grill about 3-4 minutes and then flip, baste with a little of the dressing and grill about another two to three minutes. Remove both the salmon and pineapple (this can also be done under your broiler or on the stove). Remove the skin from the salmon and cut into four equal pieces and chop the pineapple into bite size pieces.

To assemble lettuce wraps, place 1 or 2 pieces of lettuce on a plate and top with 1/4 of the rice, drizzle some of the remaining dressing over the rice and top with a piece of salmon. Top the salmon with the chopped pineapple and then drizzle the honey glaze over top of the salmon and pineapple. Garnish with sliced green onions and sesame seeds, if desired.