THE PAIN OF LOSING A CHILD, BORN OR UNBORN.

The year was 1999. She arrived at her doorstep, disoriented and shattered. Screaming at everyone in sight. Tears flowed from her eyes. She did not seem to recognize anyone standing in her way. She had lost yet another daughter. Yet again she had been outlived by another young soul. Nothing could take away her pain. The realization hit her hard and somehow melted part of her spirit. She later explained to us that this particular loss had been the deepest because this particular daughter had never been blessed with children of her own. She had never lived to experience the joys of being married or even having children. That was what ripped her mother's soul apart.

No one can ever really understand the pain a mother goes through during the loss of a child, born, or unborn. It is such devastation that no one can fathom unless they have tasted its bitterness themselves. Sometime last year, a friend of mine went through such pain, such torture. She had been so anxious to see and hold the baby she had felt move inside her for nine good months. Every mother-to-be goes through such anxiety. They cannot wait for that sweet moment when they get to hold and stroke the tiny little being that they have so loved even before they met. My friend thought that she could get all the help she required from a hospital. Unfortunately the negligence of the doctors and nurses involved dealt her one of the most torturous moments of her entire life. She lost the baby she had held in her womb for over forty weeks.

I still believe that no amount of comforting words can take away the pain of losing a baby, born or unborn. I know many women silently go through miscarriages. I know most suffer that loss and feel as if they have no right to cry or fret simply because they never got to meet that baby. There is always that misconception that you can simply pick up the pieces, dry your tears and be on your way in a day. There is always such a deep bond already created between mother and child, that no matter how much you try to conceal the suffering, it just resides within you, sometimes within inches of exploding. I know there are many women out there who go through a lot, silently, thinking that no one else would understand their scream. I know there are many who go through miscarriages and try to sweep it under the carpet like nothing happened. Allow yourselves to grieve, to feel the pain, to mourn the loss of something that could have been perfect before you pick yourselves up and move on. No woman can ever shed off such an experience in the twinkling of an eye. Whether the miscarriage is self-inflicted or because of medical reasons, a loss still remains a loss. I do know that there are friends of mine going through these horrible moments, there are those who have suffered the pain of losing a child, born or unborn, and eventual healing is all I ask for them, but first, I do hope they understand that no sane person has a right to judge you for crying your eyes out, screaming a bevy of curses, even pulling a pillow over your head and sleeping nonstop for days. The pain of losing a child, is simply too deep to be forgotten in a day. Eventually the pain dulls down, for women were created stronger than any other beings on the surface of this earth.

Written by Maureen Songa