I do not know if there ever is anything that can prepare a first time mother for the uncertainties that come with that title. The moment of reckoning was May 13th. My heart beat with so much anxiety, so much denial. I kept wallowing in disbelief. Not quite ready to acknowledge the mystery of creation. There I was, lying in the doctor’s office, getting ready for the very first scan. Cold liquid ran across my tummy, and in just moments the screen displayed the very first revelation of the baby that had so silently been growing inside me. Words could not possibly describe how I felt. A concoction of emotion flooded through me. Tears flowed from the corner of my eye. Whether those of sadness or the pure mystery of the hands of God, I simply do not know. So tiny, so unexpected,
yet so admirable and cherished even before the eyes could see. Suddenly the line “I knew I loved you before I met you” held so much weight.
Such are the moments that would rule my life for the next few months. That a single tiny being could hold so much wonder still baffles me to this day. Beneath the flood of emotions, the mood swings, the heartburn, lay that tiny lovely being. I loved the nights when it was just baby and I. The times when he came to the surface. At times he hid away from me, making me search for him, holding my tummy and waiting for that gentle kick. There were times when he gave me such happy jitters. There were mornings that I woke up to an emotional wreck of my image. There were hours that I cried buckets of tears for absolutely no reason at all. Other times I felt so strong, so happy, like I wanted to jump for joy. Like I wanted to just grab someone and hug them and make their world a better place.
I tried in vain to picture how he would look like. I had hoped he would be a spitting image of the gorgeous me. I kept imagining how he would smile and brighten up my world. But nothing really prepared me for the tiny flakes of motherhood that he brought to my life. Sometimes I felt so green, so unsure. Sometimes I felt my tummy and smiled all to myself. Sometimes I spoke to him only in my head. Other times I reprimanded him for causing me so many tears. Nothing really prepared me for the tiny beautiful being that lay beside me early morning October 25th. He did not resemble me that much. He did not yet smile; nonetheless, he was perfect enough for me. He was the blessing I never would have thought I needed, not at least for the next five years. He stirred tiny flakes of motherhood within me. He heightened the sense of protectiveness in me. He simply lay there, a silent beauty in slumber, touching my heart, bringing tears of joy to my eyes, putting in my capable arms the most important career of all times-motherhood.
Written by Maureen Songa